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JOKES

 

your mommas glasses are so thick, when she looks at a globe she can see people waving.
 
your mom is so old she waited tables at the last supper.
 
your mom is so old she sat behind jesus in the 3rd grade
 
Two very fat people walk into a bar one says your round, then the other replies so are you, you fat bastard.
 
 
"business doing pleasure with you" a prostitute would say after receiving her payment.
 
 
i have only ever seen the queen on a stamp, so if i meet her i would not know whether to shake her hand or lick the back of her head.
 
 
There was once a baby born with no eye lids, so the doctors decide that when they circumsized the boy, they would use the extra skin to replace the eye lids. When the doctors were finished, the mother came in to see her baby. She said "Doesn't he look a little Cock-eyed to you?".
 
 
In Ikea they have a Shelf storage system called 'Nob'. - So that's the only shop you can go into and ask the assistant to wheel your Nob to the car because it's too heavy.
 
 
What do Viagra And Disney Land have in common?    They both cause you to stand around for an hour waiting for a two minute ride!!.
 
 
How can you tell a blonde is having a bad day?    When she has a tampon behind her ear and can't find her pencil.
 

Did you hear about the Blind man that went Bunjee jumping?Scared the hell out of the dog..

why don't you go to a tampon party?   cause they're all stuck up cunts.

if edward woodward had no d's in his name, he would be called ewar woowar.

i had to go to the doctors because i had some baked beans up my nose, a sausage on my head and a bacon sandwich under my armpit, and the doctor said "you're not eating properly". 

people say if you drink coffee before bed you can't sleep. i find its the other way around, when i'm asleep i can't drink coffee.

my girlfriend's dad owned a video rental store and the first time i took her out on a date her dad said that she had to be back by 10:00 o clock, but i got her back at 12:00 o clock and i had to post her through the letterbox and pay an extra 2.

first she broke off the engagement then she broke my heart, then she broke the video player, what a clumsy tart.

your mum is so fat that when she goes to a restaurant she lookes a the menu and says, ok !.

if you're ever ill, cover yourself in margarine then go to the doctors and say "i can't believe its not better".

i went to an old age pensioners club to tell some jokes, so i started with a knock knock joke. so i said "knock knock" and they said not until you show us some form of identificaton.

your mum is so old that when i told her to act her own age, she died.

there was a robbery last night and a police man knocked at my door and at that time i was still shaken up, so i was rambling quite alot, but the policeman said "i just want the fax" so i said "eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee".

i was in a hotel last night and after 9:00 o clock every single channel on tv had sex on it. i sat on the edge of my bed shaking my fist at it.

leanne rhymes. no it don't!.

i was at the sea side at the weekend and i saw a man hitting a woman over the head with a cricket bat but then a police man came along took the bat off of the man and started hitting her himself, then a crocodile came along and ate all of the sausages.

i brought a box of animal shaped buiscuts and on the side of the box it said, do not eat if seal broken. i opend the box laid them out on a plate and wouldn't you know it - the bloody seal was broken. 

the post office has a new range of stamps out at the moment of famous prostitutes, they are 28p but if you lick them they are 45p.

apparently the actress Whoopie Goldburg is going to marry the french actor Gerard Dupido, if she does marry him she will be called Whoopie Dupido. 

 

 

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